hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize