Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize