Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
