I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
