I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
