I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
