how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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