Barsexuality is the new black.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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