just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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