when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
