Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
