If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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