Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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