but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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