Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize