so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Randomize
