i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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