maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
