Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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