I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
