she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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