May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
