Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
