I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize