i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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