What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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