i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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