Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
