remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
