and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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