i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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