she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
