I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
