it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
