So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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