I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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