I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
