I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
