I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
