I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
