So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
