Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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