I seem to have left my pride at pride
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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