Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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