My friends, they love my intelligence
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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