If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
