how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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