I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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