I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
