I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
