I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can't turn off my feet"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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