you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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