I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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