I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
