I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
