When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
