My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This is the high leading the old right now
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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