Non-Jews are for practice
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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