don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
NoShamevember. You game?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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