oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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