Me. At least after what I've been through.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
