DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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