This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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