how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
