if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
